WIWO: Ephesians – Episode 11: Relationships – Marriage

Reading: Ephesians 5:21-33

Context: How does “submitting to one another” (v.21) set the tone for what follows?

The healthy, godly understanding and application of submission resolves all relationships. All of them. Especially when done in the right order. If we understand what we’ve read in the first three chapters of Ephesians, we’ll understand that submitting to God’s rule in the glorious face of Jesus Christ, through the acceptance of the good news by the power of the Spirit, is essential. Submitting moment by moment to the Lordship of Jesus Christ is foundational. It is that submission that enables us to walk in the manner worthy of the calling that He has called us to. That submission is then worked out relationally in our predisposition to see a brother and sister as someone we submit to, as we submit to Jesus. The Lord resides in them, so we submit to them to receive from the Lord Jesus; this is our admiration and adoration of the Saviour. This should transform our understanding of relationships from the polluted, perverted, corrupted, and destructive patterns we were conditioned in before we met Jesus.

Notice where verse 21 sits. It is not a stand-alone command. It is the last step in a flow that begins in verse 18 with “be filled with the Spirit”, and it follows speaking, singing and giving thanks. That shows mutual submission isn’t a technique we master or a rule we grit our teeth through. It is the natural overflow of a life yielded to the Spirit. The motive is given too: “in the fear of Christ”. We bow to one another because we first stand in reverent awe of Him. The word itself describes a willing choice to place ourselves under another, so it can never be forced, demanded or weaponised. That is why verse 22 has no verb of its own. It borrows from verse 21, meaning everything that follows about wives, husbands, children, and servants must be read within this Spirit-led, Christ-honouring posture, and never apart from it.

Authority in the kingdom of God is measured by how much we give, not by how much we are served. Jesus Himself is the pattern: He did not cling to His position, but loved the church and gave Himself for her (v.25). So when we read the instructions that follow, we are not being handed a chain of command to enforce. We are being shown a picture of the gospel, which Paul calls a profound mystery pointing to Christ and the church (v.32). Every marriage, home and fellowship becomes a living demonstration of how Jesus relates to His people, and that is the standard by which our relationships are redeemed.

Content: What specific instructions are given to husbands and wives?

Wives are instructed to submit to and respect their husbands, as they do to the Lord.

Husbands are instructed to love their wives like Jesus loves the church. Love her, nourish her and cherish her, just like he’d look after himself.

The husband carries greater responsibility. His calling is not to be served but to love “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her”. That means the husband’s headship is measured at the cross: he is to lay down his preferences, his comfort, and even his life for his wife’s good. The wife’s submission “as to the Lord” is likewise not a lesser role but an act of worship, freely given. It is never the same as the obedience asked of children and servants. Paul’s word for respect carries the sense of reverence, so she honours him as a fellow believer who is himself under Christ. Both are called to a cross-shaped way of living, and neither can demand the other’s part.

Concept: How does Paul use marriage to illustrate Christ’s relationship with the church?

It is truly fascinating seeing what Paul does in showing marriage as the picture of Jesus’ relationship with the church. There is how Jesus loves the church – Jesus’ love for her has nothing to do with her and everything to do with what He commits Himself to do to her and for her. Jesus loves the church, so He sanctifies and cleanses her; He sets her up so she’s presentable to Him. This is why He’s the pattern of what it is to cherish and nourish the wife, because He’s doing that to the church.

This truth carries enormous comfort for the believer. If Christ’s love depended on the church’s performance, none of us would be secure. But because His love rests on His own covenant commitment, the church can rest in a love that does not waver when she stumbles. He doesn’t wait for her to become presentable and then love her. He loves her, and that love makes her presentable. The end of the story is promised: a church without spot or wrinkle, presented in glory to the One who gave Himself for her. Husbands are therefore not simply told to love well. They are given Jesus as the working model, a love that initiates, sacrifices, cleanses and keeps going until the work is complete. Our marriages, imperfect as they are, become a small window into that great and settled love.

What makes this even richer is that Paul isn’t inventing a new picture. Throughout the Old Testament, God speaks of Israel as His bride, and the prophets show Him pursuing, rebuking, cleansing and restoring her despite her unfaithfulness. Paul takes that rich backdrop and shows its fulfilment in Christ and His church. The language of verses 26-27 is wedding language: washing, preparing, and presenting, as a bride is made ready for her day. The “washing of water with the word” reminds us that the cleansing is God’s work, applied through the gospel. Then Paul goes a step further in verse 32. Marriage isn’t just a handy illustration. God designed it from the beginning as a signpost to the greater reality of Christ and His people. Human marriage is the shadow, and Christ and the church are the substance.

Conclusions: Whether married or single, how does this passage inform your understanding of relationships?

Meditating on this passage carefully highlights crucial aspects of relationships that all followers should be mindful of and careful to consider in their practice. First, this section returns us to considering everything in the light of Jesus. We should understand our new lives in Christ in light of who He is and how He operated on the earth. His character and conduct shape how we engage and interact in all relationships, based on Jesus’ character of always submitting to the will of His Father. Being submissive to the will of the Great One is the hallmark of all relationships. There’s also the idea that the submission is with the intention of glorifying God in all things, even as Jesus’ interaction with the church, His precious and beloved bride, is to present someone glorious to Himself. This is the process we’re undergoing as His bride, and we should carry this desire into our relationships. This drives the wife to respect her husband, because as she submits to him, as she submits to the Lord, she desires God to be glorified through her support of her husband in being and doing everything pleasing to Christ. In like manner, the husband considers what’s at stake in his relationship with his wife and follows the model set for him so that he can contribute to the awesome work of sanctification and glorification taking place in his wife. Those desires are fundamental to fruitfully functioning relationships across the Body of Christ as we’ll discover in the responsibilities of parents, children, masters and slaves.

Next time:

WIWO – Ephesians – Episode Twelve: Relationships – Family and Work

Reading – Ephesians 6:1-9

As Christ loves the church … this is a precious truth to hold onto and use as the basis for everything we do in our key relationships. No relationship expresses that truth more than marriage. That is why we need to treasure what God says and prioritise getting God’s Word In so we can live His Word Out.

For His Name’s Sake

C. L. J. Dryden

Shalom