What kind of friend is the Kingsman? What should be expected from him?
A good sign that you’ve got a good friend is that they’re there to see you get better. That is not always obvious, and it’s not always easy. One of the things that we recognise about our flesh nature is that it’s driven essentially by being self-centred. That can express itself as much by the amount of attention we give to others to avoid being seen as it is about the amount of attention we want out of a sense of lack.
Proverbs 27 has four verses that say some profound things to help with that in terms of the open rebuke (vs 5), the wounds (vs 6), the counsel (vs 9) and the sharpening (vs 17). I’m not sure how often these are encouraged because some of them are challenging both to receive and to give. That’s probably all the more reason to know that we can see it in Jesus and receive internal support from them through the Holy Spirit.
The wisdom offered cannot be cherry-picked as if it were just good tips, separate from what it takes to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships. All four pieces of wisdom on relationships operate best in the context of a relationship that is deepening and has sufficient trust to make the exchange worthwhile.
Open rebuke (vs 5). The proverb offers a comparison of someone saying something rather than saying nothing, and that comparison is important to consider. It is also worth exploring what it is to rebuke. I appreciate this in particular when things I’ve done have been out of line with the Spirit of God. It can be a reaction to something I’ve heard, or an attitude expressed on a matter. I might have felt justified at the time, but a good friend will take me aside and address it with me. It is my privilege to have those friends. They won’t sugarcoat it. They won’t let it fester. They won’t carry on as though things are OK. They will let me see it for myself and contrast it with Jesus’ conduct and character. I know they’re doing it out of love because of the investment they’ve made in me through time, listening, encouraging and seeking to understand me so that I can be better. And I also know that their aim is for correction – they want me to be right in God’s sight – they just want me to be better.
What I picked up from that was the prayerfully considerate way that I’d approach someone who was out of line. The relational capital is important. I won’t just take it upon myself to rebuke anyone. I know I’ve got the task to complete, and my heart is for that person to be better. There’s also a sense of doing what’s right by that friend and by God above everything else. Operating that way doesn’t make me less sensitive, but it does make me more eager to address things with the person so they hear the situation and can receive what I say with some understanding.
The open rebuke situation aligns well with the wounds-of-the-friend scenario mentioned in verse 6. It sounds bad to hear talk of wounds, but true friendship is supposed to be about people being better and often that requires surgery. And surgery requires cutting into areas. The idea, however, is to cut things in order to cure. The wounds of the friend aren’t just there to embarrass, hurt and disgrace. That underlying desire is for something significant to take place in the friend’s life, from which the friend emerges healed and whole. I heard it described beautifully when someone said it’s better to be cut to cure than receive kisses that kill. I’m grateful to have engaged with friends who were not there to boost my ego or make me feel great about myself. They celebrate successes for sure and are always encouraging, but as they want me to develop the character of Christ, they were ever urging me not to settle. They are also the sort to know the importance of getting the right word communicated at the right time to build faith.
Which brings us neatly into both the counsel that is as sweet as fragrance and iron sharpening iron. Consider the kind of relationship you have where these individuals will challenge you when you slip up, but they’re also available to share insights that can help you prevent that in the first place and make better choices. I love that kind of friend who has taken the time to search deep in life in Christ and emerge with a well-timed word that points me to something I can consider acting on that will go with the plan of being more and more like Christ. Not just that, but they’re right there with me. Taking it and receiving it. It’s not one-way traffic. It’s not always totally mutual, but that’s because we have so many different things to offer the relationship.
Cultivating friendships with those qualities is a great way to embody the kind of love that marks us as followers of Jesus.
That’s the kind of friend to expect in the Kingsman.
For His Name’s Sake
C. L. J. Dryden
Shalom
Life With CD 