ADBC: 40 – What Helps You Get Through Tough Times?

Here’s the premise of the conversation.

Previously in the conversation: It is superb stuff. The answer to his approach to making music is bittersweet for me to read. It’s something to be fascinated with and learn a lot from. The element of sadness in it is just the thought that this amazing creative talent hasn’t composed a new tune in a while. Here’s to hoping that can change. When he addresses the issue of objective morality it takes a turn unexpected for me – it’s thoughtful and riven with a path to considering the matter that should leave any reader taking those steps back to see what can be achieved when you treat certain views carefully in the bigger picture. I gotta say I rubbed my hands in glee at the wisdom in what he would do with £1m. The whole piece is a wonder to read and process – so I heartily encourage you to read it, share it and think about the content. Superb stuff.

I believe we can learn from how we unpack and explore questions. It’s a good thing as well because my brother has got some significant questions to consider. Here goes:

Q – Some people say, “I’m spiritual. I wouldn’t call myself ‘religious.’” What does this mean to you? Do you think they make any real sense? Why or why not?

The statement is a fascinating one. As a Christian, it’s one that I come across often both from people talking about how they’re not into religion but into relationships and by those who leave Christianity and suggest that they’re not really religious anymore but they are spiritual.

There are a variety of takes on the statement. One paints a picture of “being spiritual” as a sort of working out life by feelings and sensing things – using intuition and referring to the immaterial and intangible as the ultimate source of reality. What that’s opposed to when considering “religion” is a picture of man-made constructs that operate a lot on rigid systems for obedience and adherence to guide life with the guise of being something from a greater sense of authority than its man-made basis.

That definition of religion, though, comes across to me as a relatively modern concept. It’s one as well that wants to address what appears to some to be something that’s too rigid and doesn’t reflect what they perceive as vitality and creativity in life. I’m reminded, however, of a word of instruction in the letter from the apostle James who points out a definition of pure religion that is about keeping oneself unspotted from the world and looking after the widows and orphans. So I didn’t get the impression that God had a problem with religion as such. Just as I don’t think God has a problem with systems of operation. The only problem is when He is no longer the author of those systems and the operations do not reflect the character of God.

The term being spiritual need not be contradictory to what it is to be religious depending on the framework you operate from. My understanding of when someone asks about the religion you belong to – in general – is to get a rough idea of if you’re into religions or not. Thus unless you’re being vague in where you stand on the issue and you’re into a smorgasbord approach picking and mixing new age beliefs and ideas of a variety of ways to whatever supernatural forces help keep the world turning, then usually being “religious” doesn’t have to be a negative thing.

And being “spiritual” isn’t in and of itself something to be lauded. Quite a number of people can be enthused with immaterial concepts and trends that drive their lives and motivates their actions and leads to them calling themselves spiritual, but whether that amounts to anything of any real value in the lives experienced can be questionable.

From my perspective as a Christian who believes in the Holy Spirit, it’s very important to be spiritual in the sense of being led by the Spirit of God to produce the character of God because of His wisdom in and through you. That doesn’t oppose being “religious” unless the picture is of an opposing controlling systematic approach to life to clashes with what God is doing in His rule.

Q – What tools do you use to get you through trying times or emotionally stressful situations? How do you see the low or difficult points in your life?

Good question about the tools that I’ve used to get through trying times. I got to be honest I listed four things that helped me and I looked and noticed that they’re all positive. The reality is, however, there are some tools that I used that were not good. It’s worth mentioning though, not just as a deterrent to others to be careful about these, but also to bear witness and leave an observational note here to me to remind me of how foolish I have been in my life.

So here are some of the ill-advised tools I’ve used to get through a good summary for these would be tools that are largely self-indulgent and feed the flesh but starve me from what I need to address what it is that’s making me low:

Porn – You know what, bro, sometimes I don’t know if it’s wise to be this open about my past entanglement with pornography. But at this stage of my life and with my awareness of how prevalent and normalised it is in society even in church circles, I don’t think it’s wise for me to ignore the benefit there can be in exposing this. There was a significant period of time when I would use this as a crutch to get through the tough times of life. To such a degree that I developed an addiction of sorts to it that in itself became a low point in my life. I’m not proud of the effect that this had on my mentality and engagement in relationships. I looked to it for a while to get me through. it got me through something alright but ended me up in a pit worse than the one it was helping me get over. However fascinating and intriguing it appeared at first, it soon became evident that this really is a route into all kinds of mess that … well … it’s ill-advised to see that as any sort of help to get through and get over tough times.

Football Manager – I use this game as a cover for any video game I got involved with to a level of addiction. I think this is the only one, but there might have been one or two others. This is definitely the prominent one. To say I would invest hours and hours of my life in this game would be an understatement. It might very well be possible to play this game in moderation and not allow it to take up your thoughts. I just know for me that once I got into it, it would be all-consuming. Even when I wasn’t on whatever device I used to play it, I know it would be in my head. I used it to get me through a particularly depressive time in my life. To take my mind off what was depressing me, I’d apply myself to the game. It certainly worked in getting my mind briefly off the issues that afflicted me. At the same time, it set up a stronghold in my thinking that made it very difficult for me to think beyond it and put together meaningful disciplines and commitments that would actually benefit me. There might be positive values to take from using video games a lot – but I don’t find much substantial worth in getting involved in it as I did.

Fast foods – I gotta be clear here, this usually accompanied other tools I was using to get me out of whatever pit I was in at the time. Also, I am not anti-fast-food as a whole. I’m still working on a mindset that appreciates natural foods and avoids the perils of dependency on processed foods, etc. The thing was though, that back when I was going through challenging periods in life, I’d have far more unhealthy foods than I should have consumed. I know because that along with minimal exercise saw me get obese. I didn’t get to a stage where I was overtly portly, but there were occasions when I was clearly at an unhealthy weight. That was down to the unhealthy intake I had of those fatty foods that weren’t doing my body any good at all. Yet the taste and the routine and the desire to plug into it for a degree of respite from the despair of the time made it a simple fix for me.

I know your question wasn’t necessarily primarily aimed at those, but as I said, I think it’s worthwhile sharing those because those were tools that I used to help me get through. Now, however, I’ll refer to those far more constructive tools that I refer to when the going gets tough and I have to walk through those death valleys.

Prayer – This has been crucial to me experiencing moments of thriving even before I overcame those challenging episodes in my life. Good people around me would remind me of the need for a different kind of prayer – one that is more intense – when it came to times of struggling. What that did for me was to get me on track with remembering who I am and whose I am. As I appreciated the nature of prayer as an opportunity to unload my worries, anxieties, burdens, heaviness, anger, bitterness, rage and feeling of inadequacy, so I’d be reminded of who it is that I’m praying to. I’d be reminded of the nature of God and His relationship to me. I’d be reminded of His will for my life and take the necessary steps to have a different perspective on things at least to the degree that I’d focus more on the things that I could do and I was being called to do in honouring Him and trusting Him in the process. I would never pretend that I’ve got prayer down to a fine art that I’m highly skilled at. I’m still learning and growing in it and loving the benefits of it. This tool, however, has been a tremendous one in helping me through those dark periods in my life.

Conversation/Confession – There are wise people in the world. this I know because I’ve had a number of occasions of encountering and engaging with them. These relationships have been essential to every step I’ve taken through, and out of, trying times. Recently I was pondering on which is easier – saying you’ll pray for someone or offering them a word of wisdom. The conclusion I reached was that it’s a lot easier to say you’ll pray for someone because to a degree there’s not much of a demand on you to do that. Whereas in offering a word of wisdom (or instruction) what that calls for is your commitment to communicate that which will help and be prepared to back it with your lifestyle and be prepared for the range of reactions to that. It requires work to genuinely have a word of wisdom for someone that can help them out. Thankfully in my case, there have been quite a few people who have been able to come alongside me and share words of wisdom with me that’s helped me in decision-making. Those conversations with those wise people have sometimes offered the opportunity for me to be particularly transparent and vulnerable in the act of confession where whatever load I’ve carried is laid out and those wise ones have been able to process it thoroughly and once more offer what is wise in God’s sight. When I’ve been ready to receive and act on those words there’s no doubt that things have worked out a lot better for me in managing the situation as well as moving on to other things. So those relationships and taking the time to be open with them has been a vital tool in getting over. With this as well, I’ve got to note the benefit of taking walks with these friends and sometimes without them where prayer will take its place. Those walks are very, very precious. You should be somewhat aware of this, bro, because you are one of the first people I confide in and unload my issues to and you’ve continued to be a source of great encouragement, support, wisdom and strength in my lowest of lows.

Writing – There is something about having a creative responsibility especially when it’s geared to knowing more about God or sharing what I currently know that does wonders for me when I’ve gone through tough times. Writing includes the opportunity to blog. It’s an extension of the conversation but it’s what I do in the writing that gets down whatever I’m led to and that discipline, that focus, that exercise and activity can help me appreciate that there’s more to life than what ails me or what afflicts me.

Focus in Fasting – I don’t want to come off as super-spiritual, because then I’d reveal my secret identity as Mighty-Saint. Seriously, though, going with the prayer, there are times when fasting does wonders in the purging process that I sometimes need to go through when I find myself in times of trouble. (It certainly beats looking to hear words of wisdom from Mother Mary to let it be.) Useful though it can be to put my issues to God in fasting, it actually works better for me if there is something else that I’m focusing on with the fasting so that I’m not so self-absorbed. If I’m on it in supporting someone with fasting, if there’s a group effort in a fast or if there is some worthwhile cause to take up in fasting, that works a great deal for me in communicating with God and being mindful of why I’m fasting and that connection to God and His purposes. That degree of leaving me out of it and putting other things to the Lord and looking at what matters to Him and others actually genuinely helps me with the perspective I have on what I’m going through. It’s not distracting myself from whatever I’m going through or why I’m feeling low and it’s not an escape from it. It is the kind of activity that doesn’t feed the darkness that I sometimes want to entertain and it’s certainly of far greater benefit than playing Football Manager whilst gorging on a double beef burger with salad, no onions, tomato relish along with a large portion of fries, eight chicken nuggets, a portion of chicken popcorn and a bottle of Pepsi Max to be accompanied by jam doughnuts, some mars bars and an apple pie.

Music and Meditation – I put these together because it’s often very useful for me to have music of a Christian nature playing and as I focus on the lyrical content I am able to tap into something that acts as a balm to my emotional wounds. The song as a whole can do wonders to my emotional wellbeing – it really does serve me. From there I can then pursue things to think about and meditate on in more detail. That’s usually around areas of scripture. So I’ll get absorbed in Samuel or Kings or Chronicles. Or I’ll take in John and Acts. Or I’ll ponder on Paul’s words to Timothy and Titus. Those kinds of things are not from an academic approach as though I’m preparing a study and not from an approach of memorising everything to regurgitate it, just from an approach of immersing my mind in what those scriptures or other helpful literature are outlining and how that can help my mind revert to whatever is true, noble, right, pure, excellent, admirable, lovely or praiseworthy. These have been invaluable tools in the quest to negotiate a variety of really stressful and emotionally draining periods in my life.

Those are some of the tools that have been of great help to me when I’ve experienced some rough times in my life.

I have experienced a number of episodes of depression. I have been on the brink of suicide on one or two occasions. I’ve almost walked out on my marriage and family on a few occasions. I’ve let myself go to the point that I rarely left the house for days on end and didn’t attend to personal grooming. Those are quite the variety of episodes in my relatively brief sojourn through planet earth.

My perspective on these episodes is not a general one. Each episode has its own emotional response from me. What I can say, though, from the current vantage point I have where I believe I’m in my right mind, I’m blessed to be sitting in a chair at a table with a laptop to type this; in a room where I can hear one of my daughters and know the other two daughters choose to be under my supervision; along with a loving wife who endeavours to be as supportive as she can and having this time in the schedule to work on replying to these questions is that God is good.

God is good to allow me to go through those episodes and not give up on me. God is good in giving mercy to me in not allowing those episodes to represent the whole of my life. God is good in showing His grace in rescuing me from those episodes and teaching me where necessary about Him and about myself where I’ve taken the hints. God is good in providing methods and resources to endure those low times and difficult points in my life. God is good in leaving treasures of wisdom in my weaknesses and ailments which means that those episodes were not in vain.

Q – I asked you about human wisdom and its value. Reading some of the writings of people like Confucius (short version [just a number of quotes] here, long version [that I’m sure you’ll appreciate more] here, it is apparent that they came to conclusions that mirror or echo biblical wisdom. Yet they seemed to have come to such conclusions without revelations from God. Old Jewish teachers taught “if someone says the other nations have wisdom, believe them; but if they say other nations have Torah, don’t believe them!” Do you believe that humans no longer retain the abstract abilities God imbued upon man (meaning “the image of God”)? Have we fallen so far that nothing good can come from man? Do you think the wisdom of “Solomon” was only based on divine revelation in such a way that is out of reach without it? Could it be said that by recognising biblical wisdom, one can better appreciate the good wisdom taught by other cultures and wise men?

That last aspect of your question is very helpful to me. Godly wisdom can indeed help you to appreciate wisdom from other cultures and to a degree assess it. And I don’t want to be too narrow-minded to miss the beauty, wisdom and goodness that are expressed by other cultures that do not recognise God. There’s something that Paul says in Romans in terms of how God leaves enough pointers in nature for people to be aware of the existence of God. Those kinds of graces inform elements of the best of cultures that may be based on other belief systems, etc.

So there’s one part in what you say from the outset that’s worth addressing. “Yet they seemed to have come to such conclusions without revelations from God.” Did they? How do we know? They might not recognise God as the source of their wisdom, but as it echoes so much of godly wisdom it suggests that it is at least something still sourced in God even if it’s not recognised as the source by those who unearth and write about it.

What I’m saying, I suppose, is that God remains the source for godly wisdom – good wisdom – even if those who communicate that wisdom don’t acknowledge it as the source. It goes back to what I stated in the last part of the conversation that either God is the source of that which is good or we’re suggesting that we don’t need God for that – which is an interesting suggestion to make.

You have this question about humans no longer retaining the abstract abilities God imbued upon man. Here’s my take on that. There is a lot of good in the world from people who are not godly. (Although I could dig deeper into that and work out what I mean by good, I won’t do that on this occasion.) I look at the world – or my perspective on the world I observe. Kind acts, words of blessing, and superb moments of humanity from those who make no profession of faith in God. My appreciation for what I observe, however, is informed by the sense that only the goodness and kindness of God can make those moments possible because even when people reject and dissociate themselves from God, they are still conduits of His expression of goodness.

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Your questions are not light work to me. Writing is a love I’ve had for decades, but your questions add a degree of attention to the writing I’ve never had before. Many thanks for that, bro.

Here are some questions for you:

Q – “To succeed in life, you need to be ambitious and progressive.” How would you address this statement and unpack your understanding of what it is to be ambitious and progressive?

Q – “The video game multi-billion pound industry is successful at distracting people and stunting character development.” What are your thoughts on this view?

Q – “The academic practice of referencing work is an exercise in reinforcing thoughts with the thoughts of others without ever necessarily validating the substance of those initial thoughts. This creates an infrastructure of sophisticated conceit.” When it comes to learning and growing based on the wisdom of those who have gone before, is this a fair statement? What are your views?

Every moment of every day that we’re alive and active we operate on decisions. A lot of those decisions don’t appear significant at the time. A significant decision that I’m grateful for is to engage in this enriching conversation with you, Hesediah. Thanks for your time.

For His Name’s Sake

Shalom

C. L. J. Dryden