What Is The Way Back Home?

Gary envied Tim for a long time.

Tim had his wife, children, parents and siblings. He could always go back home to them. Every time when they showed up to work on a Monday morning, Tim would always have a story of what he did with his family. Even the reports of not doing much made Gary longing for something he didn’t think he could ever have again.

Gary wished he had that.

His parents divorced when he was six years old and it was messy. His Dad looked after him for a while but the home was chaotic, his Dad never seemed to settle down and wasn’t all that bothered with his son. When he was a teenager his Dad was diagnosed with cancer and watching him waste away sent Gary into a turmoil.

His Mum hardly wanted to know when his Dad died. She had married someone else and had little to do with him. His Dad was gone, he felt rejected by his Mum. He got the impression that he only person he could rely on was himself. Perhaps he couldn’t afford to trust others because they might reject him or leave him.

This didn’t help in the other relationships of his life. He looked at getting married as a rite of passage that he needed to go through. He gave his wife enough of the impression that he would look out for her, but even before they got together, she noticed his preference to dive into his work. She thought she could cope when they got married. It didn’t work out, though, because Gary just couldn’t open himself to her. Whenever she needed someone to talk to and to relate with, he was fine enough, but it wasn’t long before he began to be distant and spend more time at work than with her.

Even he recognised the hurt look in her eye when he brushed past her for yet another business trip that would see him away from the home for days at a time. Their phone calls soon stopped. He wasn’t even surprised to return home and find her no longer there. He didn’t really fight for the marriage to survive. At the time he was glad that there were no children involved.

Yet here he was now. All that work seemed to count for nothing when he had to be laid off because of the business had to go into administration. Here he was at this dead end office job. Miserable, lonely and having to come in week after week to hear Tim share the story about how great his wife was, how awesome his children were, how great it was to visit his Dad and Mum and that great time he hooked up with his sisters. Gary did his best not to be bitter, but sometimes his face just could not hide the resentment.

“Hey Gary,” called Tim when it was just the two of them around the coffee machine, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” Gary’s effort at being friendly was weak but Tim ploughed on.

“Why do you look so unhappy all the time?”

“Pardon?”

“Excuse me for being blunt, it’s just that I’ve noticed, you seem to carry something heavy on you that even weighs you face down. What’s that all about?”

“Oh you know work. It can get tiring at times. I just need time to get used to it.” Gary’s response was as weak as his efforts to be friendly.

“I hear you, Gary. Are you sure it’s just that?”

“Listen, Tim. I appreciate you asking, I really do, but seriously we don’t talk anyway and if I say that it’s just getting used to work, trust me, it’s just that.”

“If you say so.”

“Hey and I do. Not everyone can have the happy family life that you do.” Gary blurted the last bit out even to his surprise. He hadn’t given anyone the impression that he felt that way. He kept himself to himself.

“Ohhhhhh, I see. That’s the reason.” Tim said slowly and knowingly.

“No, no, no, Tim.” Gary’s efforts at back-tracking was competing in the weak stakes with his previous comments “I’m just really tired, look, see, I haven’t even had my coffee, yet.”

“Hey Gary. It’s OK. Yeah, maybe you just need the coffee. I’ll leave you to it.”

“No, wait, Tim.” stuttered Gary, “Look I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It was rash. It was unnecessary. It’s not your issue. Please. I’m sorry.”

Tim stood for a moment and looked at Gary with a mixture of sorrow and compassion.

“Can I just share something with you?” he offered softly.

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Gary, you’re right. We hardly talk. I hardly know you. I just know that you come in, work hard, keep your head down, drink your coffee and get the job done. But you know, Gary, there’s always a way back home.”

“What do you mean by that?” Gary was baffled.

“I have not always had this family life that you hear me talk about. It has not always worked out for me. This is my second marriage. What happened in the first one … what I did … I almost lost everything including contact with my parents. In fact for the longest time I didn’t think that there was a way back home.”

“Wh… what does that have to do with me?” Gary was taken aback by Tim’s openness.

“You look like a man who’s carrying a lot of guilt. Either for the things that you’ve done, or for your reaction to the things that have happened to you. Maybe both. The look on your face is something I can relate with a great deal.”

“So …?”

“So, I’m telling you, Gary. You don’t have to carry that. You don’t have to brave the elements on your own just focusing on work from one day to the next and busying yourself so you don’t have to deal with it.”

“What are you, a counsellor? You gonna tell me I need therapy or something?” Despite himself, the resentment still eked out of Gary in the sarcastic reply.

“Me? No, I’m no counsellor. I’m just someone who knows what it is to feel that I’ve wandered far from home. I know what it’s like to feel like there’s no way back.”

“You religious or something? You want me to come to Jesus or meditate or something to get inner peace?”

“It’s alright, Gary. When you’re ready to have a conversation about it, I’ll be happy to share. I shouldn’t have bothered you. It’s a dangerous somebody that gets in the way of a man and his coffee. you enjoy your cup.”

With that Tim moved back to his desk leaving Gary standing open-mouthed wondering what had just happened.

It bugged him for days – always a way back home – what did he mean? What was he talking about? How could he know about the guilt? What good would it do him talking about it anyway? Yet … what did he have to lose. It took a lot of guts for Tim to approach him in the first place. He had been direct and friendly. But what if it was a ploy? What if he was just like all the others? Or what if the reality was maybe he didn’t deserve to be heard out by someone who had it all together like Tim.

It bugged him for days. Bugged him to such a degree that just to have his curiosity satisfied he finally saw Tim alone at the coffee machine again.

“Hey Tim.”

“Hey Gary – do you want me to leave you to your coffee?”

Gary got the joke, “No, no, I was just wandering about the other day. What you said. about there always being a way back home. Have you got a minute to tell me a bit more about that?”

“It’ll take a bit longer than a minute, to be fair. But seeing as though I can talk while you have your coffee.”

Gary got his coffee and sat to listen to Tim. As he listened, his coffee got cold as what Tim shared with him was the first step in something that would change his life forever.