All he could see was how he was let down.
When he needed him the most, he was let down and let down badly. That he was able to still get things done and progress with his plan was something he was happy for others to focus on at the time. Yet that feeling of disappointment and the sense that he was abandoned by one he felt would never do that, still hurt.
So when their paths crossed again he put up every excuse to say he was being more cautious on this occasion. He was discerning what was right in his eyes. He was just being sensible. Yet when you removed all those filters and barriers, he essentially had not got past that hurt.
As God would have it, the scenario emerged when it was just the two of them left to complete a small task together. He would have been happy to smile and quickly get it done, but this other guy wouldn’t let him. Before they started the other guy said to him that he understood if there was resentment still felt. He apologised sincerely and even recognised that trust was something that would take a while to be rebuilt … if it ever could be rebuilt. From his side, though he acknowledged the wrong he did and the hurt it caused.
Well, this put him in an awkward position. Here the other guy was – putting himself essentially at his mercy. It was his move now. What would he do?
At that time, with the task, there was little he could do. He didn’t feel he could just pass off a glib response as though all the fences were mended. Yet he knew this could not be the end of it. He acknowledged the apology and asked for time to process things.
As he mulled over it in the coming days, there was a growing realisation in him. It was particularly clear to him when he walked through the local park one afternoon. Near the lake, he saw the usual gaggle of geese pecking for the breadcrumbs offered by passers-by. He paid attention to how they flocked to where the bread was and if there wasn’t any room they would be busy looking for space, or for the opportunity or for more food. They remained active. They didn’t particularly spend time harbouring any resentment if other geese got to the bread first. They got on with what was important without carrying anything.
As he heard those thoughts going through his head, he knew these were not originating from his emotional state. He knew Who was talking to him. He knew that the other guy wouldn’t be stewing with guilt because he had unburdened himself. He also knew that the other guy had done that to God first before he was in the place to open himself to him. In a sense, the other guy had the release to do what it took to gain the greater release.
Could he move past the hurt? Not forget it, just not carry it with him as though it was an essential part of the luggage. Luggage to parade to others about he was hurt, by being abandoned but still managed to somehow get things done. Could he get some release from that baggage and that burden of bitterness and resentment?
As he asked those questions, he sensed the heaviness of what he was carrying emotionally even more. Tears welled up as he again remembered what he had been forgiven for. He remembered that sense of relief knowing he was forgiven of some fairly serious things and had experienced what it was to be restored into right relationship with God and with some close friends. He remembered the grace and the renewed sense of brotherly love God imbued. He considered who Jesus was to him and who Jesus called him to be.
He didn’t stop the tears flowing. Tears of remorse that turned to tears of gratitude. He didn’t expect it to be an automatic resumption of relations with the other guy. He wanted something better than this. He wanted something better than the emotional baggage that could weigh him down.
Getting past the hurt was no longer a question of if, it became a matter of need.
(Photo by Dan Burton on Unsplash)
For His Name’s Sake
Shalom
C. L. J. Dryden
Life With CD 