When They Leave

What happens when they leave?

There was this season where my wife and I were a part of this community group. We helped to form it with another couple. Over time we gathered a small number of people in the group and we were all committed to shared goals and values. At least it looked that way on the surface in the initial period.

During the time of the run of the group, some more people joined the group and for a while a sense of community and belonging was evident among us. Things were going very well and for me in particular, although there were typical personality clashes, there was nothing to suggest there was much going wrong. No one expected perfection, there was always going to be some tensions here and there, but they all appeared to be the sort that could be managed.

Heh. How naive I was.

I got to see just how fragile and facile the facade was when people started to leave. Few people offered reasons for leaving and fewer still popped in to say goodbye to the group. They just left. Some left the group. Others left the immediate vicinity. Still more moved out of the country. I don’t think the moves were to get as far away from us as possible, but the moves were still telling.

When they left, I really started to appreciate how there’s a lot more than meets the eye in gatherings and groups. Looking to find the truth of what happened in these episodes certainly uncovered truths that were lurking even if the central goal was sometimes elusive. More than that, however, was learning how to adjust and to process what happens when they leave.

There was a phase where I was dismissive and defensive. Giving the impression we didn’t need the people who left and them leaving was more about them than us. I took the attitude sometimes that they were the problem and maybe they were never a part of us in the first place so it was good that they left.

Later on, however, when I met some of them in other contexts, for me I saw how my attitude lacked the love of Christ. Even if there were significant issues on their part, when they leave, it’s not about being dismissive. It’s at least behavingin an honourable and peaceable manner towards them. It is intriguing what crops up from making a practice of being peaceable with those who leave a project or a group. At the very least they know that you won’t hold it personally and take part in any character assassinations holding grudges and all that messy toxic behaviour.

Learning that peaceable approach is a real testing journey. Especially when it calls into question the nature of relationships you may have taken for granted previously. There’s a big tug to be a part of the ‘them versus us’ contention that can come to the fore when people leave something and it’s not so amicable. It does take the spirit of the Prince of Peace to navigate those situations and remain pure in heart to all parties concerned. If you’re not careful you can get caught up in political machinations that are never designed for you to emerge better because of them.

When they leave, it’s good to be sad about it. It’s good to question it and process it properly. Acknowledge the pain of it at times, feel the loss at other times and then be grateful for the benefit and vlessing that they were in the time they were there. HGold that close to your heart so if you see them again, that’s what comes first to mind and allows for warmth and affection.

This is a useful approach to cultivate, because there’s no telling when there will come a time when you too may have to move on.

It’s a useful approach, however, even more than that, because it’s an approach that looks to promote peace rather than rancour, animosity, division and possible vitriol.

When they leave, establishing a path of peace is a good approach to take.

(Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash)

For His Name’s Sake

Shalom

C. L. J. Dryden