Everyone has their story.
Indeed everyone has their stories. There are stories I could tell you. like this one.
Some talk about having their rebellious stage before coming to Jesus. I have to confess my rebellious stage came after I came to Jesus. (And saying rebellious stage to assume it happened the once is somewhat … errrrrr … you know …) Being brought up in church and among church folks in a particular church setting, the type of person I was meant that I did not overtly go out and do the things that would have met with disapproval from the church folks. I wasn’t that interested in that type of thing anyway.
Indeed when my journey with Jesus started more consciously, I still wasn’t interested in all of that stuff. However there was one thing that caught my attention that clearly wasn’t in line with what would be pleasing to Jesus. It caught my attention though and even though I made a profession of faith in Jesus, I was also getting caught up with this thing. Over time I would devote quite a lot of ‘secret’ time to this activity. This was to the degree that in essence I felt I was a hypocrite living the double life and not able to tell anyone about it for fear of the reprisals.
By the time that the stage had begun to seriously affect my mental health, an individual entered my life who would make a remarkable impact in my life. I had left home to study at university by this stage. Being at university gave me a degree of ‘independence’ I had not experienced previously. This individual – we’ll call him Ralph – attended the same church I went to on occasion. I say on occasion because unlike when I was at home with my parents, I was not always able to make it to attend church on a regular basis. That meant that developing relationships was difficult.
In any case, Ralph was among that gathering of believers. He noticed me and went out of his way to establish a friendship with me. He was older but still able to relate to me in a way that made me feel comfortable in his company. He opened his home to me and I loved how he allowed me to see what he was like in his interactions with his wife and children. It was real, it was love in action.
So here I am, really messed up because of the sense of living a double life. Ralph was not aware of it initially but he did pick up on certain traits I gave off that got him to dig a little to find out how I was. As in how I really was beyond the typical ‘I’m fine, thanks.’ and the ‘You know, there are ups and downs, but I give God thanks for His goodness.’ All of those defensive platitudes that I was well versed in offering to stop people digging any further. Ralph saw it for the defence that it was and kept knocking insistently and patiently. It was a moment of catharsis for me when I let him in to inspect the mess that was my life.
He came in and surveyed the scene. He smelt the stench of my hypocrisy. He heard the cries of pain of feeling like a man divided. He saw the confusion of someone wanting to do right and often wallowing in doing wrong. The picture would have turned off some others. Ralph did not run away. Ralph stayed and assured me that this mess was not beyond God. He kept on assuring me that not only was this mess not beyond God, but it is messes like this that Jesus came to help sort out. That could not happen, though, unless I gave Him permission to come in the mess. Unless I acknowledged that it was a mess that required the Messiah. Unless I cooperated with Messiah helping me to deal with the mess. Importantly as well, I needed to focus on the Messiah in the mess rather than the mess.
One of the amazing things in following the advice of Ralph was having my first experience of the restorative love of God. Living through what it meant to be forgiven. Living through what it meant to repent and live a life of repentance. Living through the fact that those who love Him are not rejected by Him but are restored through Him.
That experience all those years ago, with the help of my friend Ralph, made a significant difference in my life. It also gave me the capacity to empathise with those who struggled with themselves. It allowed me to appreciate further how the greatest enemy for me was the inner me and how Jesus who overcame the world would give me the strength to overcome the inner me as long as I died to me. In that way I embraced the love of God in a way I truly had not appreciated to that point. The love He gives is able to restore me, however far I stray.
Remembering that restorative love is so valuable to me.
(Photo by Heather Morse on Unsplash)
For His Name’s Sake
Shalom
C. L. J. Dryden
Life With CD 