It’s because we are selfish.
I recall hearing someone interpret the command to love others as you love yourself as an invitation to love yourself. I do not for one moment deny the very real problem that some have with self-esteem. People do so much to bring about real harm to themselves for a variety of reasons, it is truly a tragic reality for some.
However the gist of this aspect of the great commandment is not an invitation to love yourself first. It is not an invitation to love yourself at all. In fact the challenge in this commandment is to love others as you love yourself. For on the whole, in the main, most people have no problems loving themselves. The self is the centre of the universe. The self is the focal point of all that really matters. Eating is important to keep the self going. Drinking is important to keep the self going. So self-absorbed and self-centred is life on the whole that it takes a command from the God who made us as relational beings for us to apply the same devotion to the self to others.
It’s in place because we are selfish.
It’s certainly not a call for self-neglect – it’s a call for seeing others just as important as ourselves and if we have that regard then we’re less likely to be so self-absorbed. Check it. In a conversation you see between two apparent friends. Person A starts the conversation sharing about the bad day they had. Person B goes on to say how bad a day they had. Person A reverts back to their bad day with an episode. This reminds Person B of an episode they had that was bad in the day. Two people apparently sharing, but really only looking to one-up the other with their own concerns.
Contrast that with an approach where Person B listens carefully about the bad day Person A had – immerses themselves in the day to truly understand how Person A felt and what Person A needs from this whole process. It could just be to get it off their chest. It could be to look for some consolation or some insight. Either way, Person B is not primarily concerned with their own issues – they want to show love to Person A by getting involved in that narrative. Then once that has been done or as a natural continuation of the conversation the roles can be reversed and it’s Person A’s opportunity to engage and immerse themselves in what’s been going on in the life of Person B.
Stephen Covey in his book on the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People reframed an approach to this in his 5th Habit that suggested we should seek to understand before we are understood. You break that down and it expresses the command in a brilliant way. After all, when you are conveying something to someone else, your desire is that the other party understands. If you have that understanding, then to get the best from the relationship, you can actually offer first to genuinely understand where the other person is coming from. That connection to the other creates a bridge rather than leaves a chasm. Relational people know the power of a bridge.
The command, however, and one that shows that we love God with everything – is not just about understanding it is about extending ourselves to look after the others. Love for the other as you love yourself – it is simply put and it’s a challenge to put in practice. We’re not left on our own where that is concerned.
God’s brilliance is that He’s given us some steps to observe to help in loving the other and those steps are …
For His Name’s Sake
Shalom
C. L. J. Dryden
Life With CD 