Pride. The idolatry of the self and what the self acquires physically or otherwise.
I must confess – yes, it is a must – that my biggest downfall is my pride. It is pride that has lead me to be somewhat economic with the full situation when it would possibly turn out to make me look less good. Better to cover it up or at least neglect one or two pieces of information so that my reputation isn’t tarnished at least in my own eyes. It is pride that will exult in the possibility of a great success for me and will manipulate events and people to ensure that the success comes to me. It is pride that will not let me concede defeat in a heated argument. It is pride that will keep me sulking after I’ve been thoroughly defeated in that heated argument.
I am not proud to admit it, but admit I must – I have a problem with the pride thing.
A recent manifestation of the pride thing had something to do with admitting an area of need. One of the greatest breakthroughs of humility is not just the realisation but the uninhibited expression of the need for help, the reliance on another, even at the exposure of an area of vulnerability and weakness. Now God helps me with this. And as you may have gathered, God needs to help me with this, because left to myself … well, let’s just say thank God for God.
Admitting a need for anything to anyone can be difficult – unless we’re using it to our ends anyway, i.e. manipulating the situation. Other than that to genuinely lay myself bare and share my area of need is tough. It’s one thing to do that to God – and that’s the essential connection, I am weak and poor, often misguided and blundering, prone to wander and easily led down the paths of destruction. As a result I need God to help me out big time. That’s one thing. It’s another thing, however, to state the level of need before others – especially those who rely on us, or have a perception of us as being people who have it altogether. (That’s why it’s good to establish relationships in the reality of vulnerability, rather than the fantasy of independence. That is something I learn time and again.) It’s not good looking weaker and more in need albeit temporarily, because it’s as though you are somehow inferior and you hand over control and power to another for that moment.
Yet once again thank God for God, for He often sets up those opportunities to get to the end of ourselves and be in need of another, and although He could just miraculously make a package turn up on your doorstep, often the answers to the need requires humbling myself before another, in fact the other who had those ideals about me.
I had another episode of that happening recently and to state my need was daunting and then to see that need met abundantly by the other person who was only too willing to help brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me that grace is based on me having nothing to offer and someone offering everything to pay it. It is of me being in serious debt and someone paying that debt off without asking for a penny in repayment. That’s why the grace is so amazing, and that level of gratitude should motivate me replicating that behaviour with others, and also not being ashamed of stating my need – whatever pride has to say about it.
So I keep on learning and hopefully keep on growing and God keeps on giving these opportunities to experience and remember His amazing grace as He will supply all my needs according to His riches as long as I realise that I’m in need of His riches as I have nothing to offer except my absolute poverty. The alternative is to carry on the delusional and despairing position of wrangling myself from situation to situation manipulating and abusing and ending up in a mess even bigging than the one I was in before and that’s all because of where pride leads to – and that is nothing to be proud of.
For His Name’s Sake
Shalom
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